Tag: Diet

Dehydrator? I Barely Know Her

I get on health kicks. Sometimes, I am a deliberate eater. I’ll go to Arby’s and order a Beef ‘n Cheddar with no bun and forgo the curly fries. That’s discipline. 

Other times, I will spend $30 at Taco Bell, eat it all, and then get a bowl of cereal. 

Around Christmas one year, I joined the low carb diet fun. I convinced my wife to get me a dehydrator. My excitement boiled over. I tracked the Amazon delivery status. 

Christmas purists would shudder at my plans. I was going to use this dehydrator immediately. There’s no reason to wrap it or wait until the 25th. I want jerky. 

Jerky is meat candy. 

However, it is far too expensive. A quarter filled sack of jerky will run you the same as 3 pizzas from Little Caesar’s. 

I checked. The eagle landed at 2:30. I was stuck at school. I considered leaving early. Does study hall really need a teacher? 

My wife gets off at 3 and is only 10 minutes from our 3rd floor apartment. 

By the time she arrived, my dehydrator was stolen. Porch pirates deprived me of my meat. They’re a bunch of jerky jerks. 

Amazon plans for theft. They sent me another dehydrator. I immediately made jerky. I have owned it for 4 years. That was the only time I used it.

by Categories: Blog 2023Tags: , Leave a comment

7,000 Calorie Sunday

I wrote this on Monday, February 20, 2023.

I am bloated. I am doing the Keto diet. It is hard. Bread is so good. It tempts me everyday. I have come up with a solution. Actually, I stole an idea from another diet and am not convinced it is a solution at all. I have a cheat day on Sunday. A couple of Sundays ago, I cheated the entire day. Things got nutty. I ate donuts before I was fully awake and downed Reese’s as I was falling asleep. 

I tried to be more reasonable. I decided to limit my cheating to afternoon. Also, I had to eat a sensible and nutritious breakfast. Yesterday at about 1pm, I started cheating. By the end of the day, I consumed more than 7,000 calories and over 1,000 grams of carbohydrates. The rest of the week, my carb limit is 20 grams per day. 

I suppose it is no wonder that I feel sluggish. I know that I did some eating to make myself feel better emotionally. I always find that sad. I know food soothes hence the term “comfort food”, but I like to think I’m better than that. I’m not. I get sad and fill my sad hole with sweets and bread. 

I was upset because of a silly interaction with my wife. I also had a disappointing weekend of comedy. I performed for a total of 1 minute. 

by Categories: Blog 2023Tags: , Leave a comment

Roadtripping on Carbs

Carbs are my best friend and worst enemy. I love them with all my heart and they are going to give me a heart attack. 

I recently went to New Orleans with my lovely wife. She’s not perfect, but she does not struggle with her weight. I have lost more weight than she has ever been. 

To say that she’s a bad influence is a bit harsh. Instead, I will call her a demon temptress. (I know that she will read this, and that she will not like that line. That is the sole reason I chose to keep that line.) 

She constantly wants us to get Blizzards or Cold Stone. I can turn that down. McDonald’s breakfast on a road trip is another story. Road trips are all about unhealthy eating choices. I tell the truth, but I do it with love. 

Another factor was our destination. We went to New Orleans. I avoided carbs my first day in the Big Easy. That was enough. 

The next day, I went hog wild. I ate like a pig. 

I had so much bread, I became part carbohydrate. The GPS said New Orleans. My soul said Heaven. 

Carbs affect more than just my joy. They affect my tummy. I don’t want to be crass, but carbs give me the farts. 

I’m blowing up my sweatpants like I was part roman candle. 

The next morning, we began our trip back home. Eleven hours in the car. 

The air in that Impala was so foul that my wife’s nail polish dissolved. It was a rolling hot-box. She lured me over to the world of processed foods. The punishment fits the crime.

by Categories: Blog 2023Tags: , Leave a comment

Adventures at Planet Fitness

I have lost some weight, but I used to be really big. I was about 550 lbs. Even at 6’8″, that’s fat. Like most fat guys, I thought I’d get into shape. I’m also very cheap. Is there a place for fat, cheap guys to exercise? Planet Fitness.

I was fat even by Planet Fitness standards. If the gym was an actual planet, I was a fleshy moon. 

I wasn’t always so fat. I used to be an infant. But more recently, I was in reasonably good shape and under 400 lbs. That’s when I joined the gym. I only used the treadmill. I clamored on that machine and punished it for an hour while I walked and read some book written a couple hundred years ago by a Puritan. 

After forsaking all exercise and ballooning up to 550, I was ready to get my life in order. 

It was time to quit the gym. 

By “get my life in order” I meant budget. I noticed that I was still paying $20 a month for access to Planet Fitness. 

Gyms are clever. Signing up for a gym could not be easier. You can join online in a couple of clicks. Quitting is harder. You have to go there in person. I have to go to them in order to tell them that I don’t want to go to the gym. 

I went. I had to put it in my GPS. I wore my best 5XLT button down shirt because I thought I would have to argue. I didn’t. I said I wanted to quit. They agreed that would be best. 

I again weigh under 400 lbs. I also live in Kentucky. I would fit in at my local Planet Fitness, but I better not risk it.

by Categories: Blog 2023Tags: , , Leave a comment

My “Pudding”

Last week, I convinced my wife to make pudding for me. She is very supportive and never judges my dietary choices even when she should. The one exception is my pudding. I found an alternative recipe a few years ago that used applesauce. She was ok with that version, but I craved the real thing. 

I hear you asking, “You put applesauce in pudding?” The answer is yes and no. My pudding is not pudding in the traditional sense. My pudding is cake batter. I used to whip up a batch of cake batter with no intention of baking a cake. Then, I ate the batter with a spoon like, you guessed it, pudding. Unhealthy eating habits usually are more subtle than this. I didn’t care. My wife did. She was not concerned about the intense caloric load or sugar content I was ingesting. She didn’t like that cake batter contained 2 raw eggs. Salmonella was a risk. Obesity was a certainty. I tried to have my cake batter and eat it too. I substituted applesauce for the eggs. It was ok. I missed the real taste and danger that came with consuming raw eggs. I felt like an overweight Rocky. Instead of putting my raw eggs in a glass and drinking them, I put them in with cake mix, stirred thoroughly, and ate them with a spoon. However, both of us feel accomplished at the top of a set of stairs. 

I have been dieting for the last year. As part of my diet, I have cheat days. As an adult, I am no longer excited about Christmas. I have everything I need or want. Cheat days are another thing. I fantasize about the junk I will eat on cheat days all week. I tell myself, “You’re hungry now, but on Sunday, you can have Little Caesar’s.” Last Sunday was cheat day. It was glorious. I ate so many carbs. Then I noticed a box in the pantry, cake mix. 

“We should make a cake.” I said. 

Laura asked, “Are you going to bake the cake or just eat the batter?”

“Laura, I’ve grown. I’m going to bake the cake.” I said. 

She mixed up the cake, added the eggs, and preheated the oven. She poured the batter into 2 round pans. I then stole the mixing bowl and licked it clean. I was like a fat version of Golem from Lord of the Rings mumbling “my pudding”.

Most of the batter we made last Sunday made it into the cake pans. When Monday rolled around, I was back on my diet. After a few days, we threw the cakes in the garbage. I only wanted the batter. 

by Categories: Blog 2023Tags: , Leave a comment