Big Thoughts from a Bigger Man
End of 2025 Graphs & Stats
I have performed stand up comedy over 1,400 times. I know because I keep a spreadsheet. It is fun to see progress. It’s also fun to make graphs with the data. I made some graphs. That’s a pretty snazzy graph, but I also have one for the previous 6 years. Feast your eyes on this…
Dehydrator? I Barely Know Her
I get on health kicks. Sometimes, I am a deliberate eater. I’ll go to Arby’s and order a Beef ‘n Cheddar with no bun and forgo the curly fries. That’s discipline. Other times, I will spend $30 at Taco Bell, eat it all, and then get a bowl of cereal. Around Christmas one year, I…
High School Men’s Volleyball
Senior year in highschool is an odd time. Of course, many students check out. They fall victim to the draw of “senioritis”. Most students experience loss. For many years, a sport or activity has consumed a large amount of their time and energy. Then, one day, the season is over. I played football in highschool,…
I Hate Moths
Moths are homely butterflies. I’m sure some weirdos like moths, but I don’t. It’s not just because they are ugly. If I hated all things ugly, I’d have disowned half my family and all my wife’s family. My moth hatred is like Spiderman. It has an origin story. My “death of Uncle Ben” took the…
I’m Done
My first memory is unpleasant because it involves my granny and nudity. My dad was the youngest of his family. I am the youngest of my family. That means I was doted on like few were. I was granny’s favorite. Some grandmothers get little white dogs and tote them around everywhere. My granny had me,…
7,000 Calorie Sunday
I wrote this on Monday, February 20, 2023. I am bloated. I am doing the Keto diet. It is hard. Bread is so good. It tempts me everyday. I have come up with a solution. Actually, I stole an idea from another diet and am not convinced it is a solution at all. I have…
Roadtripping on Carbs
Carbs are my best friend and worst enemy. I love them with all my heart and they are going to give me a heart attack. I recently went to New Orleans with my lovely wife. She’s not perfect, but she does not struggle with her weight. I have lost more weight than she has ever…
Meaty Legend
My 9-fingered brother started a church. At the time, he had 10 fingers. The phrase “started a church” makes it sound like he invented a religion. That’s not it. He started a new church in downtown Denver. Because “starting a church” sounds so weird, people that start churches came up with a different verb: plant.…
The Ingrown Toenails of a Young Giant
I believe that I only experienced one negative physical side effect from my size. I have big feet. That’s a bit of an understatement. By the time I was in 8th grade, I wore a size 18. The other 6’8” guys that I knew did not have that big of shoes. I was unique. I…
No Sheet
I went to Liberty University, the world’s most exciting university. Seriously, they use that tag line or at least did when I went there. After my first year, I decided to upgrade my living situation from the budget dorms in the “circle” to the slightly nicer dorms in the “quad”. The walk to class was…
Adventures at Planet Fitness
I have lost some weight, but I used to be really big. I was about 550 lbs. Even at 6’8″, that’s fat. Like most fat guys, I thought I’d get into shape. I’m also very cheap. Is there a place for fat, cheap guys to exercise? Planet Fitness. I was fat even by Planet Fitness…
Trying on Speedos
I have a friend. I will not mention his name because he has the respect of his children and parents, but he will recognize this story. In high school, we were close. It was that time in our lives when we had a measure of freedom and very little responsibility. High school students get into…
Not Hovis Approved
I spent way too many Saturdays at school. For 8 years, I was a speech and debate coach. Between October and March, I spent most Saturdays at a local high school’s debate tournament. Sometimes the tournaments were fancy, and I got to spend the day on a college campus like Stanford or Harvard. Most of…
High School Court Date
During my senior year of high school, I skipped school to go to court. My school was unique to say the least. Some schools call the student body a “family”. For my school it made sense. The year before I had 9 people in my grade. In order to fully field a football team, we…
5th Grade Football
My mom wouldn’t let my brothers and I play soccer because she thought we’d get hurt. I wanted to use the word “football” in the previous sentence instead of “soccer”, but I’m American. I don’t care that the sport of soccer is played with feet and a ball. When I say football, I mean helmets,…
My “Pudding”
Last week, I convinced my wife to make pudding for me. She is very supportive and never judges my dietary choices even when she should. The one exception is my pudding. I found an alternative recipe a few years ago that used applesauce. She was ok with that version, but I craved the real thing. …
I Toad You
As little boys, my brothers and I would play outside all day. Usually they did not let me play with them. They were (and still are) 4 and 5 years older, and I liked playing in the mud. They did let me play with them one time. We had Tonka trucks. These metal trucks were…
Blog It Up
I’ve been reading a lot. It makes me want to blog. This will either be the first entry of many or a forgotten post on the top of a heap of unfinished projects. No matter which, it will be exciting.
Jake Hovis 